I love my work

I love science. I really do! The thrill of finding things that NO ONE else in the world knows makes it worth all the disappointments of experiments not working out!

For instance, today I found something quite accidentally in my data - something that I wasn't even looking for. :)

I'm hoping I could work on a collaborative project on this one - something that will not be my primary focus, but will guarantee me papers.

Drosha

In a few moments I will find out if my sample worked out.

Its almost 7, and I'm tired. I woke up in the middle of last night with the word Drosha echoing through the recesses of my headache racked brain.

For those that don't know, Drosha is a protein found inside cellular nuclei which is responsible for splicing off flanks of short hairpin RNA before it can be sent out to the cytoplasm where it is a substrate for the RISC loading complex in RNA silencing.

So much for regurgitating information I've learned in class.

And my sample is done - it didn't work out. Another day, another attempt.

Off

As of last Sunday I deleted my accounts on online 'dating' websites. No, I haven't found anyone keep-worthy, but the marginal utility of those sites is not worth the time I spend (spent) on them. The frustrations arising from the discrepancies between the actions and words in profiles of 'nice' guys was making me bitter and I did not want to deal with it anymore. For now.

I do believe there is a value in online dating sites, but for now I'm going to try and stay off them. I would rather satiate my desire for social interaction with the real thing - interacting with real people rather than the convenience that online chat offers.

So far I don't miss being online too much.

Distracted

I'm going to admit it. I'm distracted. I've tried. But it won't work. I know it's important. And I know I need to do it. But I just cannot get myself to sit down and negotiate the 2" thick pile of two-sided printouts that I need to read before my exam next week.

I will also admit, that I have been doing very well in this course so far. I won't admit that it has made me complacent. Because it hasn't.

The truth is, I've been busy. I've had things to deal with. Some alterations in my daily life which have left me with a lot more free time.

But I've been busy with lab work. And I've almost been sick with the worry. There is so much work to be done! And so little time to do it. Experiments for a couple of publications. To be done before January.

Yesterday I got out of a class early because I was too tired to focus. Admittedly it was something I could do at home - something I will have to do at home. After 8 hours in the lab, making a trip to another university in the middle of the day, rushing back to grab a measly lunch cum dinner at 3pm and then continuing with my experiments, followed by class at 6:30 is tough. The coffee I grabbed as a pseudo-dinner didn't keep me going for too long. 1:15 mins into the class, my attention dropped all of a sudden and I couldn't focus anymore. I had to go home.

An exhausting class in the morning followed by a great talk, then lunch with the speaker and then an hour long meeting with my boss and another hour long meeting with my post-doc and I was wiped. I needed a change of place.

So I went to the coffee shop and worked on the homework that my work computer wiped out when it wouldn't let me delay the restart later option - that's what it feels like to lose your administrative privileges on a computer.

At the coffee shop, I took a call from a friend who is leaving for India forever - for now. I discovered that I can preach very well. He doesn't see any hope in a very scary future where he owes a huge debt and is currently jobless. In fact, he wishes his aircraft crashes into the pacific. I told him how I felt his life isn't worthless and how he should ride through this bad patch and that if he just chose to look at it differently, he could use this time of unemployment to his advantage to invest in skills he might not have the time to develop once he gets a job.

I also played the gay card and told him how there were far more inconvenient things that others have to face and that his problems were certainly not the worst. I didn't want to do it, and I wasn't looking for pity and in any case, he didn't show any (which was good), but I did want to put things in perspective for him.

In any case, it seems that I succeeded in giving him some food for thought instead of wallowing in his discouragement bordering on depression.

I got back home, ate dinner, watched an episode of 'Modern Family' (it's mildly amusing, you should see for yourself) washed the pile of dishes that had been accumulating since sunday and I tried reading a little bit. I even napped a little, woke up, danced a little to some music that has been playing on my computer and tried reading about transcription factors, but I just can't seem to get myself to focus.

Hence this very disorganized and unedited blog post.

Electric Storms in the head

I wonder where to begin. Let me begin somewhere. Today morning is a good place to start. No last night is better. Or wait, should I start with yesterday? Let me start with yesterday.

As I reach for the liquid soap, in a void lined on one side by the cold outside let in by the open window and on the other by the cold inside, shielded by a shower curtain - something that I have done countless times now (well actually, not quite countless and easily estimable given a frequency of one per day, and my duration of stay here) - one moment the world is clear (as clear as my eyesight allows without glasses) and the next, just as I have finished pouring the soap in the pit of my palm and capped the bottle with my hand and turned around to place it back in its place, with the water flowing through my hair and over my eyes and then over my smooth body keeping it warm, protecting it from the cold around me, but the next moment something is very clear to me. It's happening.

This is not the first time. I've lived through countless other such happenings. The peace of my shower, shattered by the realization. I need to rush. Rush through my shower, how inconvenient. Rush, because if I don't, it could lead to far worse eventualities.

I need to look for shelter. Withdraw from the world. Halt my life. Wrap myself in a tight ball. Shut my eyes. Close my ears. And, hope for the best.

I feel it coming. I see things. Crazy lines, blue, white and red, like lightning. They expand in size. Soon enough, it gets dark. I feel the chills on the surface of my skin. It responds with goosebumps. Hardly any protection.

Just as the lines came, they go. I decide not to shave. Salvage the situation while I can. Hurriedly, I dry myself and recede to my shelter.

The storm peaks and eventually drops. I get out of my house and continue with my day as if nothing happened. And if you were to see me, you wouldn't know it either.

Fast forward to the morning. I wake up. I don't need to look at the time to know it is 6 am. My body is hypersensitive to temperature. With three layers of blankets, I know exactly where on my body, I have two layers of blankets and where I have just one. I make changes and create for myself a coccoon which I hope will keep me warm.

I can sense the coming of the storm - again. Something in my body responds to the infernal racket created by the garbage truck that comes in the stealth of the morning to pick up the trash. With every beep, my body is thrown into chaos. I feel the blood pulsate in response to the beeps. This can't be good.

If yesterday's wind was a storm, this one's going to be a hurricane. I wonder what it is to die. I wish I were dead. I thrash and turn and scream to the powers that be to spare me the agony, but it won't give. My day is ruined. There is nothing I can do, but to wait for this one to pass too.

I wonder if this is what it feels to have an aneurysm. I wonder if I can remember my name. Yes I can. I begin to count, and that seems normal too. I move my hands, but I can't see them. For a moment, I wonder if I'm blind, then I realize I'm not. It's just dark outside and dark inside - I shouldn't be able to see my hands.

It's not an aneurysm, I'm fully coherent a few hours later. I've missed class and I'm still feeling sick, but much, much better. That's about the only damage done.

Life

A lot is going on right now.

An exam coming up on Monday. :-s

A couple of doctor's appointments.

And some frustration when it comes to teaching biochemists biophysics. The familiar biologists don't care for numbers argument. :-/

Anyways, I have been laying low for a while, and this will likely continue for a bit, unless something really exciting happens in my life, which I don't foresee happening anytime soon.

On a Wing and a Prayer

This weekend has been quite hectic. On friday, we (my adviser, post-doc and I) decided to submit an abstract to the Biophysical Society Meeting next year. The deadline was last night.

I've been working on that over the weekend, and it is finally done. I hope it gets selected! :)